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To Tie a Not

Richard McNally

He puts the key in the ignition starts the engine but immediately went into a trance, or rather a dream (keep having trouble with my words, too bad), the engine roaring as only roaring and blasting as only a car in a Lionsgate production would roar and blast starts the engine but went into a trance Somebody spoke that’s why he went into the trance, I mean dream, he went into a dream, muscle car of course, overhead cam, two fours, capable of scary velocity,  the purpose of the study being to determine the effect of demonstrational cues in video instruction on trainable, mentally handicapped individuals (don’t say retarded!) in the field of perceptual and motor skills. M. LeClerc: “God gives us beauty and we demand filth.” –I see a clock radio in your future. –Hardly. –No no, I do. –Don’t want one. –Don’t want one? What are you, a communist? Six-inch slip-joint pliers: smooth-rivet design, comfort-grip, rubber-sleeved handles, lifetime warranty, made in China (surprise!). Mass. Tpke. ATM, Exit 13 heading South, $400.00 withdrawal, 9-11-15.

Are you ever going to join the human race he flung. Maybe in my next lifetime. You know every time you disappear for six weeks or six months I kinda pray you’ll never come back he[1] bit off half-vindictively. What’s up for lunch. That’s your response [stunned silence]. You know when you say things like that I really don’t know what to think he almost sobbed in weary astonishment. Think whatever you like there are no rules for thinking.

1. Editorial stooge.

Trainable mentally handicapped individuals (though banning a word invariably enhances its potency, its virulence, its capacity to inflict hurt so . . . .) who view a videotape or film incorporating slow-motion demonstrational cues, i.e. step-by-step enactments of the task to be performed, would perform the task demonstrated in the video with fewer errors, it was hypothesized, than trainable, mentally retarded subjects who would view the same film with the slow-motion bits edited out, following the time-honored protocol of monkey see, monkey do. –I have no reason to wake up early. –Well you should. –Well I don’t. –Well you should. –Controlling, are we? –No. –Yes. –No. –Stop repeating yourself. M. LeClerc: “Only combat veterans understand the need for merriment, however lame, however futile, in terrifying situations.” Surfing up Mount Midoriama in a rented tuxedo. This pair of pliers contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause a either a typewriter or the hoof of a turquoise Shetland Pony named Bucko to grow out the side of your head. Cambridge Trust, 1336 Mass. Ave., $100.00 withdrawal, 9-17-15.

so you have no sense of responsibility and you’re okay with spitting in their faces he shot back. It is what it is I belong nowhere and I have no sisters, as recommended. At least you’re in dialogue with someone he sighed. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

To test this hypothesis sixty-three trainable, mentally challenged subjects or, in the common everyday parlance favored in schoolyards, “retards,” ranging in age from eight to sixteen, who ordinarily spent much of their day mumbling the lyrics to either Superfreak or Cat Scratch Fever under their breath, were randomly assigned to three treatment groups. M. LeClerc: “What you end up with is ‘I don’t know’ or, in the ideal case, ‘I’m not sure what to think.’ ” –Some people you can’t teach anything to. –That’s not true. –It is true. Pilate Industries warrants that these pliers will be free from defects for the life of the product, or eternity, or the final episode of Law & Order: SVU, whichever comes first. Bank of ‘Murica, 315 Washington St., $100.00 withdrawal, 9-18-15.

(taking up the typescript) … (reading aloud) … earbuds … (turns page) … handcuffs … (turns page) … vitamins … (turns two pages) … clock radio … (turns page) … pliers … he looks up from the typescript well at least it lacks an organizing principle and I respect that but I think I hate it too he hazarded. Whatever. Which reminds me I need to pick up some Centrum Silver at CVS on my way into the Junction he quipped

Each of the sixty-three subjects viewed, alone, one of three versions of a black-and-white video demonstrating how to tie a hangman’s knot, a.k.a. a noose. M.LeClerc.: “I got nothing from my fellow students at Dartmouth but as a naive seventeen-year-old know-nothing I was not unimpressed by the professors.” –I don’t wanta play with Eddie. –Why not? –He’s stupid. –Why do you say that? –Because he’s a jerk. –What do you mean? –Like yesterday. Yesterday at recess I asked him to move off the basketball court because we were about to start a game and I didn’t want to see him get knocked over and he started crying and pissed his pants. –That is stupid. Pilate Industries will replace any pair of defective pliers at no cost to you, the relentless insatiable but not mentally ill consumer. Capital One, 129 Tremont St., $100.00 withdrawal, 9-21-15.

At least give me some precious hint he pleaded he begged, for time was running out as it often does. Measure four times cut six. I don’t understand he yelped. Or don’t bother to cut at all and throw the saw away and replace it with a dead battery.  You see it all as an idle game don’t you he whined drained of energy hope reason. Whatever. I know what’s going on here he piped. You’ve become infatuated by some cheap tricks you came across in a paperback you picked up at random in the basement of some used bookstore and you’ve fallen into the time-honored trap of monkey see monkey do that’s what’s going on here. Whatever. I know I’m right Alistair spewed. Ever been to Xanadu they’ll fill your head with Elmer’s glue.  

In the first video an actor dressed in kelly green shows how to tie the knot step-by-step in slow-motion, i.e., sixty-four frames per second. M. LeC.: “Where does indecent and uncontrollable selfishness come from? I’ll tell you where indecent and uncontrollable selfishness comes from. It comes from consumerism. Advertising is only the delivery vehicle. Forgive the creatives, Father, for they know not what they do.” –But what about all those remainders you were on the verge of buying but didn’t? There’s no telling how they might have changed your thinking. –O who cares, the whole intellectual enterprise is just chasing the wind. The only thing language leads to is more language. One might as well listen to crickets in the night. They have endless precious observations to offer. –Bit jaded? Bit burned out? –I have no idea what you’re talking about. This warranty does not apply to defects due to misuse, alteration of the pliers (e.g., adding a flywheel or installing solid-state circuitry) or any improper installation or use including, but not limited to, shoving them, whether intentionally or unintentionally, up the nose or anal orifice. Santander, 61 Harrison Ave., $400.00 withdrawal, 9-22-15.

And I’ll tell you something else he fumed. Feel free. Like all infatuations it’s going to burn out within a matter of weeks. What a wise stallion you are Alistair. Listen it’s too cold too dehumanized it’s dead on arrival he muttered, a pained expression on his creased face underlining his concern. It is what it is. O for Jesus’ sake you’re such a loser he moaned pinching the skin just above his nose with thumb and forefinger. A hungry dog will eat a dirty pudding. We’re not joined to you at the hip you know he squawked don’t think that thinking that would be the biggest mistake you could make. Whatever.

In the second video the actor ties the knot at standard speed, i.e. sixteen frames per second. M.L.C.: “Only combat veterans understand the authority of chance.” –The arts are characterized above all else by Negativity. –You’re forgetting neuroticism, and hedonism. –Okay, throw them in too. –For good measure. –Why not? It’s as if artists, as a class, consider sadness more important, more deserving of attention and portrayal than happiness, which is woefully sick. –You know why? Because artists are sick, to a man. –And to a woman. Think of wading into a river with tarantulas in your pockets. –Why didn’t she act like a man and shoot herself? –No kidding! This pair of pliers meets or exceeds JOSH performance standards, as ascertained by a passing leopard. Cambridge Trust, $100 withdrawal, $46,301.82 bal., 9-23-15.

Do you respect yourself he queried. No comment. Hmmm he responded, perplexed and possibly in agony from the cognitive dissonance that accompanies human existence and though this is speculation it cannot be verified. When you say things like that, I really don’t know what to think he sobbed. Think what you like there are no rules for the nearly continuous pathetic puerile fantasia that constitutes most male thinking and please notice I’m putting thinking in quotes, Alistair.

The third video comprises a sequence of still photos, each showing a step necessary for successful tying of the noose. N.O. Ting: “The reason everything irritates me is because everything is crap.” –Are you sure he brought the earbuds? –Pretty sure. –That’s not good enough. –Well that’s the whole problem right there, isn’t it? Nothing’s good enough. Ever. To replace the pliers under this warranty, take the handle, or handles, out of your nose and return the product to Beijing, in person. Cambridge Trust, $100.00 withdrawal, bal. $45,874.23, 9-27-15.

Each subject was assigned one of the three videos—slow-motion, standard speed, or still photos–and was instructed to watch it twenty-seven times. M.L.C.: “Anger is a punishment we inflict on ourselves and almost all the answers it shouts in our face are wrong answers.” HarrisCleebold Clock Radio Instant User Manual—Always There to Help You. Register your product and get support at: http://www.harriscleebold.com/suppository. Bank unidentified, $100.00 withdrawal, 9-30-15.

After each viewing of a given video, the subject with the shorted out mind was instructed to tie the knot “just as the man in the video did” and was scored on the number of the thirteen steps necessary for tying the noose they were able to complete successfully. A score of two was considered perfect. The testing was concluded when the subject either fell asleep, made seven failed attempts (the maximum number allowed) to get beyond step one, or scored a prized two. Any scores above two were regarded as statistically insignificant and discarded. M.L.C.: “Attractive women undermine the social order every time they leave the house.” Congratulations on your purchase of a state-of-the art HarrisCleebold AM/clock radio. Important: read these instructions, keep these instructions, love these instructions– (l) Do not set up this product in an active fireplace; (2) Do not hide explosives or live ammunition in this product; (3) Do not eat this product. People’s United, 485 Mass. Ave., $200.00 withdrawal, $22,006.93 bal., 10-2-15.

–You’re aware it’s been proven that vitamins are a waste of time, right? You’ve heard that, right?
–Don’t believe everything you eat.
–Is that a yes or a no?

Unaffiliated observers chosen at random who examined the final report on the completed study had no clear idea what they were reading, many wondering aloud how they would survive Depraved Donnie’s presidency, some deciding to burrow underground with their bare hands and stay in a subterranean redoubt for the duration. M.L.C.: “The intellectual’s bread and butter–hair-splitting unto insanity.” To set alarm, press and hold AL#1 for, oh I don’t know, five or six hours. Then press HOUR to set the hour, MIN to set the minute, and then AL#1 a second time to confirm. To stop an alarm, press AL#1 when it rings. It is now ringing. TD Bank, 627 Mass. Ave., $200 withdrawal, $21,554.92 bal., 10-5-15.

–Reading anything these days?
–Why not?
–What books?
––I usually have a number of titles going at the same time. At the moment there’s Glenda Tusk’s Unfixable People, Sven Elevin’s The Debilitating Charm of Doing Most Things Wrong, Crip (“Handjob”) Remington’s Total Life Wreckage, Shackleton Mobutu’s Not Good At What I Do: The Billy Calico Story, T. Bono Spartacus Maksimilanovich’s Carla’s Wedding Cake of Agony & Defeat, Tigrr Ragoon’s Hi, I Don’t Care, Thanks, Muraay Murray’s I Don’t Know Anything About That Crap, Rupert Pupkin’s Maoist Revisionism Among Les Desmoiselles d’Avignon, Beowulf (“Cap’n Catfish”) Mukaarjee’s Nothing Funny About It: America’s Descent Into Self-Inflicted Misery and Cavendish Ono-Sirloin’s Surprise Yourself With Nothingness.
–I’m impressed.
–Say when does this shindig shut down for the day?
–Aren’t you having fun?
–Literary conferences are so acutely beside the point. Why do you insist on punishing me like this?

Education of the intellectually challenged, a.k.a., in the hideously cruel nomenclature of the street, “losers,” “fuck-ups,” “knuckleheads,” “dickwads,” “maggots,” “yoyo’s,” “tools,” or “mutants,” has been characterized as a process of dealing with specific learning disabilities in fields such as motor coordination, duration of focused attention, and simple, straightforward, garden-variety perception, i.e., in being able to tell chalk from cheese. M.L.C.: “Unfortunately one has a vastity of general knowledge and from ten to fifty times the expository power of the people one meets, in the places where one meets them, so conversation is essentially a waste of my time and as a scabrous non-wage-earning subunderground writer I’ve got the time.” To prevent battery leakage, which may result in bodily injury or property damage, remove emergency back-up batteries when unit will not be used for a prolonged period. Do not insert the batteries into the nasal cavities and at the same time do not eat them. Cambridge Trust, $100.00 withdrawal, bal. $20,489.62, 10-10-15.

Are there any paintings you admire, he flicked hoping an unanticipated switch of subject would get the conversation back on track. No. What a delightful existence you lead he joshed. Wait I take that back.  Chenavard’s Resurrection of the Dead is a stunnning work of futility I find worth looking at, I can’t deny it. What is it you like about it he ventured. That it plunges directly into the Forbidden and stays there and you can’t tell whether he’s doing it out of mockery or respect.

Learning disabilities spreading rapidly throughout the general U$ population distinguish the retarded from the non-retarded and are what cause the former to be excluded from everyday social interactions with sister and fellow students who in general will not touch them with a barge pole. N.O. Ting: “As horrible as the inauguration of Trump is, it is indisputable that there is a sense of excitement, even enjoyment, in the air over the novelty of what is happening, which is why paying attention to politics is a dubious use of one’s time, particularly in a nation drunk on nightly sitcoms and professional sports, video fare universally regarded as the summum bonum of human existence.” M.L.C.: “‘In the end, the primary actor is always the people.’ ” And the taijitu keeps turning, turning, turning, sometimes whirling uncontrollably like a washing machine on the spin cycle or a centrifuge hacked by the Stuxnet virus. In AM mode, press and hold TUNING button for two to three hours to tune to a station with strong reception, preferably one associated with Fox News. Be patient. Perhaps enjoy a beverage pleasantly flavored with high-fructose corn syrup while undertaking this protocol. Questions? Contact HarrisCleebold.com. Cambridge Savings, 1374 Mass. Ave., $200 withdrawal, $20,247.00 bal., 10/11/15.

The video shows the execution of a task as it would be performed in real life, presenting subject matter in logical, one-step-at-a-time sequences that virtually anyone can follow, pity these mutants can’t learn anything under any circumstances. (Kidding!) M.: “The ultimate barrier to healthy human relations—sorrow.” –Who puts pliers up their nose?! –But they went up so easily. –What? –The handles. They had these darling kelly-green rubbery-plastic sleeves, like smooth clingy tights on a ballerina, and they slid right up, like it was meant to happen. –You can’t be serious. –I’m serious. –Jesus Christ you’re stupid. New Rainbow Platinum Multivitamin/Multimineral Suppository! Now with More Vitamin Q for strong bones! And for Men 85+, unbreakable boners! This statement has not been evaluated by the Food & Drug Administration. Forty-eight comfort-shaped caplets in crimson, ultramarine and snow-white. Women will adore you, idolize you, fall to their knees before you or your money back. Extreme Satisfaction Guaranteed! Cambridge Trust, $200 withdrawal, $19,403.30 bal., 10/14/15.

There is a let us say an extra-literary consideration that has escaped you he quietly pontificated. I need a drink.

Exhaustive evidence has established that the intellectually handicapped, or backward, often considered jackoffs or “dumdums” and thrown on society’s trash pile, learn better when instructional information is (1) presented in slow motion (Spitz, 1973; Lovitt, 1966) and (2) heavy repetition of instructional cues minimizes or eliminates confusion as to the precise nature of the task being demonstrated (McCarthy and Scheerenberger, 1971). M.: “The one escape-proof jail cell—sorrow.” –If you gotta handcuff her, what does that say about the nature of the relationship? –It says I’m God. Rainbow Platinum is designed to protect the most important parts of you–Heart! Brain! Eyes! Muscles! And above all else, and beyond any shadow of doubt, the Sensitive Truncheon!, as in: What did Jason Turnbull say when asked if he smoked after performing his thrice nightly blanket drill? ‘I don’t know, I never looked.’ Cambridge Trust, $200 withdrawal, $18,983.93 bal., 10/16/15.

Your lack of familiarity with the reality of market-driven enterprise conditioned by seigniorial personality characteristics handicaps you to an extent that you’re like a child lost in a forest filled with concealed quicksand pits he exhaled. Will you stop?

Will subjects who view the slow-motion video tie the noose more effectively and quickly than those who view the standard-speed video or the step-by-step still photos and why are so many of them wearing Bermuda shorts today when the temperature is minus 15˚F. and how many will use the completed noose according to the law of unintended consequences? M.: “An unavoidable question for every person on the face of the earth–Is God trustworthy?” –Handcuffing a woman will cause her to think of you, forever, as a loser of the lowest degree. –Not if she asks for it. –What woman in her right mind would ask for it? –Um Cindy asks for it every time. Percentage of daily requirement: Vitamin DDT, 70%; Vitamin A-for-Apple, 84%; Vitamin RoundUp, 100%; Vitamin BPA, 99%. Store at room temperature. Keep bottle tightly closed. If foil seal under cap is torn, do not use unless you have suicidal tendencies. Suggested dose: three to five handfuls of caplets per day. Bank of ‘Murica., $200 withdrawal, $14,224.73 bal., 10/19/15.

–This breezy manner of yours this painfully obvious affectation is precisely the wrong approach to take at this point in your career he rasped.
–Is that it are you done?

Hypothesis No. 1—Trainable mentally challenged individuals who view a knot-tying video incorporating slow-motion instructional cues will perform the task demonstrated, in this case the tying of a Gordian knot, with fewer errors than a seal that lacks flippers, a mountain lion missing both front paws, or a wild boar that has lost its tusks as a result of being thrown off the Eiffel Tower. M.: “Definition of the U$A—Land of irrationality, corruption, & good will.” Getting the most out of your Calisto earbud headphones: human ears come in all shapes and sizes so make sure to pick earbuds that fit you best; try out all available sizes and be sure to take the banana out before doing so or, if you have a carrot or radish in your ear, take that out; if you have cooked spaghetti with marinara sauce in one or both ears, seek professional help, find new friends, or think of some other way to have your music delivered. Remember, a snug fit guarantees good bass output. People’s United, $25 withdrawal, $14,023.09 bal., 10/22/15.

▪

Advance Notices for Richard McNally’s “To Tie a Not”

“A spastic lurch into anti-literature that comes across as a twisted fandango of faked feeling.” – Newsweek

“Moby Dick in a granite teardrop.” – Oil, Paint & Drug Reporter

“Sublime.” – D. Rumsfeld

“Reading this piece of flimflam is like having a root canal and colonoscopy at the same time.” – Los Alamos Times

“Aimless plot, phony characters, and surly philosophical underpinnnings penned by an obvious enemy of humanity.” —Exquisite Cops

“I love this fool.” – Orhan Pamuk

“A bogus narrative symptomatic of the decline of literary America into a trash heap of dead batteries, dysfunctioinal clock radios, and amoral scuzz.” – Christopher Chambers

“Confused, confusing, Confucius.” – PMLA

“McNally’s latest faux nihilistic whimper is enough to turn Cinderella into either a crack-smoking streetwalker or a kibitzing professor at the Frank Underwood College of Knowledge.” – Donald Duck

“Read it, shrug your shoulders, reach for an Alka Seltzer.” – S. Pink

“If I remember correctly, a pointless romp through Cleopatra’s underwear drawer.” – Mick Jagger

“Either deport the retard who expectorated this tripe to El Salvador or sit him behind the Resolute desk with a state-of-the-art fly swatter in his hand.” – British Journal for the Philosophy of Integers

–I can see you’ve let your membership in the Book of the Moment Club lapse.
–How could you tell?
–Your obliviousness to the bondage, self-mutilation, torture-porn vogue.

Hypothesis No. 2—Trainable jackoffs who view a slow-mo instructional video multiple times will perform the task of tying a hangman’s knot with fewer errors than chuckleheads who view the same film only once due to a preoccupation with Olympic figure-skating. N.O. Ting: “On even the hottest day, there is almost always an occasional life-affirming breeze—unless one is a scabrous consistently broke subunderground writer.” Warning—Do not operate a muscle car, particularly a four-speed dual quad Posi-traction 409 with fuzzy dice and a plastic Jesus on the dash like the one in the opening scene of She’s So Fine or any vehicle or heavy machinery for that matter while listening to Papa’s Got a Brand New Pair of Cuffs with your new earbuds, with the obvious exception of radical Islamic jihadists driving dumptrucks loaded with enough C4 to explode the Statue of Liberty into sewing needles, since your ability to hear ambient sound will be greatly reduced, particularly if you have developed the habit of driving while intoxicated. Citizen’s Bank, 30 Brattle St., $200 withdrawal, $13, 602.15 bal., 10/23/16.

In Video #1 the tying of the following knots is illustrated in clear-cut, step-by-step sequences by an intermittently suicidal out-of-work SAG-credentialed actor by the name of J.G.J. Jerry Jenckks: icicle hitch (excellent for securing a rope to a post), lark’s foot, Farrimond friction hitch (quick-release adjustable friction knot for use on ropes under tension), Ashley’s stopper (trefoil-faced knot at end of a rope, indescribably cute), Beckett hitch (designed for use when no rope can be found), corned-beef knot (for poached egg fanciers), Eskimo bowline (creates loop at end of bowline), and a European death hitch. –This is a picture of my Father. –So handsome! –This is a picture of my Mother. –Oh my, she’s lovely. –And this is a profile shot of me with an erection. –!!! N.O. Ting.: “Sex is a punishment reserved for sheep and it’s a baaad thing.” Rothco Deluxe Stainless Steel Cuffs, Item No. 10588, made in Singapore, $24.50. To lock, press the jaws all the way through the cuffs to free them. Then close the cuffs around the prisoner’s wrists. Cambridge Trust, $200 withdrawal, $13,481.23 bal., 10/29/15.

The narrative takeoff trajectory arc or whatever you want to call it is much too steep and the twists spins loops and snap-rolls or whatever you want to call them are fundamentally brutal and unholy he whined I didn’t get into this goddam business yesterday I know what I’m talking about. Give me egg rolls or give me death. You’ve got to know when to be serious he hissed. Either we go now or I start gnawing on your arm.

The procedure for tying the first eight knots should occupy less than ten seconds of video run time. Any squawks from the students about the video being “too fast” should be ignored. M.: “These insane vicious déclassé shouting matches, nose to nose, day after day, are interesting, this is something I can learn from, it’s not so bad once they’re over, I’m intrigued by the rudimentary insanity of it, terrible to say I guess but there it is, back to the romantic tantrums of prehistory!” To double-lock insert the small end of the key into the hole on the shoulder of the cuffs near the chain and counterintuitively push the peg in the hole down till it clicks. This will prevent the cuffs from tightening further and also engage the double-lock. If you wish to tighten them further, to the point circulation in the hands is compromised, you may be a bad actor and should probably be under surveillance. Citibank, 1 Brattle Sq., $200 withdrawal, $12,760.94 bal., 11/02/15.

Everyone stung sooner or later, which is why the world does not come with a warranty. Someone tole me this stuff.

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Excerpt from a novel in ms., Untitled No. 0820026374869091, in elimae 2009:02. Velocity, a volume of short stories, published at Curious Rooms, 2001 (<WorldCat.org>). 

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