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“I Had PTSD Before It ‘Existed'”

Shari Busa Ortiz

I started writing when I was fifty-years old. I had resigned from my career eighteen years earlier to raise my only child, and when it was time for him to head off to college and spread his wings, it was also mine; to spread my wings, not return to college. I had never before entertained the idea of writing, and yet suddenly plots emerged in my mind. I was eager to put them to paper.

I had two specific tales to tell; totally different and independent of each other.  I designated my local Starbucks as my writing zone, and that’s where I sat every day typing the two books. (Apparently, author dreams can be expensive ones.) Since they were very dissimilar, it was easy to go back and forth between them on a daily or weekly basis. I know it sounds complicated, but that’s what I did for a year. What I ended up with was one chick-lit novel and one family drama story. Both were based on embellished personal experiences; which still seem to be the easiest way for me to develop storylines. I made up my mind to pursue the chick-lit. Five years later I self-published The Forever 39ers. Prior to that, an excerpt, Suitable Decisions, had been published by The Tower Journal. I confess that the editing process, self-publishing and the costs, then advertising were long, difficult, and grueling, and for those reasons, my second book should be titled Dust on a Desk. I’ve since turned my attention to short stories, again based on events and people in my life, and that is how “I Had PTSD Before It ‘Existed’” came to fruition. Originally, it was a section of the unpublished, family drama book.

My family and friends have asked me two questions: was my story emotionally difficult to write, and was it cathartic?  The story spans fifty-one years, and the PTSD effects have significantly dissipated. It’s certainly not a topic that comes up in everyday conversation or is it one that I dwell upon.  It took many years to overcome the PTSD as best as I could. I will say that telling my narrative in its entirety was a stark reminder of what I’d gone through, and I hoped that if it was published (a huge thank you to Twelve Winters,) it could perhaps inspire others to share their traumas, realize that they’re not alone, and most importantly, that there’s professional knowledge and help out there; services that were not available to me in 1975.

What I did undergo as I wrote was compassion for those who were close to me at the time and who in their own way also suffered: family members, the people beside me the day of the shooting, and other friends who weren’t with me, but were also emotionally affected by my traumatic event. These are factors that the victim, especially one as young as I was, doesn’t really think about.

I once spoke at a local authors’ open-mic event, and these were my inspirational words to the audience, “We all have stories to tell. Write them. A book, a poem, a song, maybe just a letter to an old friend or a loved one who’s passed. You just might discover that you have a talent for it.”

I, too, have many more tales to tell. Whether I write them as memoirs, creative non-fiction, or fiction remains to be seen. Getting this one published has been the motivation that I needed to continue writing. Maybe it’s even time to brush off the dust on my novel.

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Shari Busa Ortiz is the author of the novel, The Forever 39ers. An excerpt, “Suitable Decisions,” was published online by The Tower Journal. She worked as a probation officer for The Hudson County Probation Department in Jersey City, NJ, before leaving her career to focus on being a stay-at-home mom and an aspiring writer. She is a lifelong resident of New Jersey and currently lives in Hasbrouck Heights. “I Had PTSD Before It ‘Existed'”  is exactly as described, “A Short Memoir About a Lifelong Condition.”

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